This is a drawing I did when I was totally angry...I'm not part of IHS, but I hit them up because of Ink and Sonic out of respect...I would like to make a public apology to Deluks because I was so f*cked up...I blame Sundance for trying to keep me in a crew of cannibals and for making me have to choose between getting stuck by association, or totally having to battle him and those that defend his crew for the rest of my life...He was just trying to live his life, I mean, though he has always been an authority on art and is a model diplomat, he never had the confidence to check people properly...(I'd only met Stem briefly at the time that I started hitting up YNN) and found I was defending people in AS that I did not really know, because they would turn around and try to cut me out of MY own heritage out of their desires to get ahead, promoting themselves by supporting (actually by jocking) everyone else (who was considered "famous" , of course), and forgetting that at one time, we were a crew and I used to brainstorm with them, support them, and I was their equal even if I wasn't famous, even back then...and I owe Stem everything because he invested his time in me...I had to prove to him that I was serious...and he never made fun of me, never was condescending, he just gave me reality...The first time I painted with him was embarassing...I was being really sloppy, I hadn't really gotten a sketch together before I went up and when I was finished with my wack ass piece, I went and took a look at what Stem had painted...He painted an Asian girl, very voluptuous, on her hands and knees, naked...That was a message that that was what I was up against...I was very humbled by that, you might think I was offended, but no, I was appreciative because that was the truth...I came back by myself later and did the timebomb piece...I remained loyal to the guys that I first was down with in AS until the time came when it dawned on me they didn't care that their disregard was creating a whole culture of greedy ass small-minded groupies with "big time" dreams...I guess that's the problem when a crew is made up of artists who want to market their work, make a living by doing it...Integrity is a battle we all grapple with...Stem told me once, "Keep you friends close, but your enemies even closer"...My enemies were disguised as my own ex-crew...And I had the complex that is generated by growing up pretty much a minority as a girl in an extremely talented male-dominated sport in the East Bay, but it also taught me the reverence of someone convinced something is so profound I could never do it, to the degree that I put off my painting with aerosol for many years because of the fear of not doing something really dope or dope enough...Through it all, the advice Stem passed on to me saved me from the whole question of who do I belong with?...I belong with the people who are willing to stand up for me and give me the benefit of the doubt when I do have beef to be able to handle it and back me up, just because they trust my opinion...He also taught me promoting a crew that has a lot of beef is a toy move, promoting people who perpetuate beef, toy, toy, toy...I also realized the importance of your endorsement as a member of a crew, how your work is measured against what you stand up for, and how well your actions match your words, and who your props are...those are your contributions and how you show you respect the other members...) and I was miserable, a totally depressed person before I moved to Boston and then back to New York...I guess staying in one place, stagnant will make anyone unhappy and I don't mean just geographically...I also mean psychologically...I guess I got the taste for a real sense of family, and I just could not forget that I got that in New York...These people do not claim they're my family and then juice me for alot of my concepts, taking credit for all of it, and then give me no credit for anything (That just never has been me...I have never been stingy with giving influential citations)...And then claim to be a good person and not be man enough to get into contact with me and find out why I won't deal with him, instead only concerned with self and his appearance in front of other people, proving he was never my friend...Anyways, it's just a matter of getting off your ass and changing things, cutting off those ties to fiends, though I have found that to be a bit uncomfortable because of the many mutual associations...I felt helpless to change things, but time has healed some of those wounds...I have found that people will kick you when you're down, it's true...And friends will be fiends, no longer friends...You are free as a person to make choices though...Just be prepared for consequences..."You don't really know someone until you fight them..."-Matrix
(text added 11/03/07)
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102 comments:
I am not your enemy snails.
peace to you and yours.
Eskae
Look Eskae, you never came correct to me...When a mirror is held up to you by your old friend, do not discount the old friend's valid feelings by trying to save yourself from having to own up to your own sh*t and to really see yourself...I would feel ashamed if I hurt someone's feelings, especially someone that treated me like a brother, and then never even tried to see their point of view or recognized that I did that...and had the balls to cry on Sundance's shoulder instead of coming to the source...getting Germ to drop your name every two seconds...I'm obviously not worth it, right? Are you really not my enemy? You are definitely not a friend, so maybe you should think that through on your end...
Oh yeah, one more thing...
I guess you forgot before you bulldozed over everyone in your path that I was the one who got you hooked up with Sundance and AS in the first place...
Show some respect...Think of the other people that you owe some respect to...
I didn't spend 9 years of my life in a crew just to sit back and let you single-handedly destroy it and devalue the meaning of it without saying something...
oh yaah, and who was it that you took that trip to Disneyland with where you got to meet Mickey Mouse and get him to hit your book?
Hey, Snails... Crayone here...
you should write your feelings out more in detail (it's too cryptic for most folks). Get right down to what and why people did you wrong. Spell it out for people to really understand. And afterwards, you should put a closure to this whole thing so people can move on. I got love for you like my own sister, but sister, you gotta move on. It's not good to hold grudges.
So you felt disrespected by some of the members of AS by not including you on AS Gatherings? I am so sorry about some of the people in the AS organization that did not include you in on some of the "boys club" activities or gatherings.
Sometimes it's really confusing. Some artist in the crew might be aloof to some degree and are on some me, me, me attitude and not give a shit about anyone else... I mean, we all have someone we know that does that shit on one level or another, and it's not to say that we should put up with it, but it's good that you show some emotions the check people on what we did wrong. AS did a lot of shit right, but like most crews, once you have crazy amount of people, it's uncontrollable and when shit hits the fan, most folks don't want to own up to the responsibilities. We should of been more thoughtful and understanding of your feelings. To me you were always an equal in the group. Peoples skills differ here and there but to me AS was not about niclk-picking on who is dope or who wasn't, (thats a toys game), but a place where like-minded individuals came together to share ideas of new ways to do graffiti or share new graffiti ideologies, that's what AS meant for me. I just wish we can all put some of our differences aside and get up again. There's about 15 members in AS now who can still paint, but only 5 or 6 writers actually paint these days. The others (respectfully) are in state of hybernation. We all have different lives to live and some of us is not ready to come back yet. And thats cool, but come one, doing 1 or 2 large productions a year is not asking much. so whenever you are out here, we should get up.
Okay, rolling my sleeves up...I hav wanted to get some stuff off my chest...
thanks Crayone for caring enough to jump into the conversation...Of course you know I don't mean to attack all of AS...And no, I do not condemn anyone for not painting or skills, not "including me"...No, no, nothing like that...Those are very trivial issues...I have been feeling bombarded by Eskae, and this is not entirely his fault, it is also due to the concern of a lot of mutual people...
I am talking about the ability to shift societal phenomenon...It is hard to admit that you have a hand in what's around you, sometimes a very profound one, but there is some responsibility because you are your culture...This world is bigger than just putting up a name everywhere...What does it mean? What does this writer support? Yeah, I'm hard on some people, but people I represent for give back and do not devastate the environment, sucking it dry of its resources, we are also students, teachers, historians and documenters...
I never really painted with AS in the earlier days, I mean, I was there at the yards painting in my head, sitting at the cafes making stickers with the rest of the core group of people, I was just not confident enough because I put the art on a pedestal...Sundance was always so insecure of his abilities because the pressure to bring skills was so high...How was I ever going to do anything comprable to him? But Sundance was a really good mentor, taught me everything I know about everything...Part of the reason I was angry is that all these people who profit more from being known as someone on AS than not really did not give him the proper respect...And you're right, he put so many people on the crew, it was hard to know exactly who you represent for...That was mistake one...I've learned that my preference is to trust the founder's judgement...And Toph (the co-founder of AS) was always upset by the fact that Sundance put that many people on...
I mean life really f*cked me up and I held onto graff because that was my salvation...And yes, when I moved to Brooklyn, it was ridiculous to hear that I had met some of the Old School and had gotten to paint with them...Didn't seem fair, I knew that...But I was hoping people wouldn't rub it in my face, on my journey to continuing my knowledge of what I naturally gravitated towards...It wasn't a fluke that it was natural...Once I started painting and working at an architectural firm, I was inspired to go to school, art school, I finally gave in and decided I might as well go with the natural inclinations...
You know our rep back in the day...There's that group of really nice white guys who go to art school...Anyways, AS was a safe and friendly crew...
There's a whole other realm of art that attacks our way of life, however and that is the struggle to make money and the art world...The art world with the gallery shows and all the receptions and press...because mainstream culture seeks out the fringe and popularizes a lot of people who really have no integrity, out to get famous at the price of forgetting where they came from...or where they didn't come from...
To be Continued...
I mean if you want me to lay it all on the table...Okay, here it is...
"Graffito" was the beginning of the demise...A lot of the crew lost sight of their place in the Bay Area...I am humbled by other writers like the Lords and TDK...people like Twist who back in the day screened my first encounter with "Style Wars"...
Our crew was never given the title of kings because they stand in the shadow of TDK...But our saving grace in those days was that we practiced and gave respect to people...but then, Graffito, an inaccurate source came out, giving a limited range of graff artists the spotlight since it was the project of a CCAC student...Mistake number two...
To be Continued...
Okay, after Graffito, a new influx of writers came into the crew, those who were enamoured of the seemingly famous crew, but if Eskae doesn't prove me wrong in this, his graff was never really taken seriously in that time period by most of the other writers and he has always been a bit bitter about that...I had never begrudged him my support, but I think he never felt embraced by Old school Oakland...Deluks always was put under the strain of gaining street cred...
It didn't help with that book out...
Eskae was determined and a hard worker. He put all his energy into creating canvasses and successfully selling his stuff, however he had to lean on his history as a graff artist to garner favor in the art world...This is his mistake...I watched him act aloof around all the wide-eyed youngins, instilling the me me me attitude, he told me he wasn't a graffiti artist (because I guess he figured he couldn't call himself one since he kept getting busted by the cops and had since put a halt to illegals) and then what sickened me is the way he nearly humped Doze's leg kissing his ass...He brought the crew into a new era...the new guys on the crew were sweet and extremely talented, but malleable, and were overshadowed by Eskae's reputation after a while, learning the thing to do instead of treat people like people was to talk trash, to value the show and not the street...That broke my heart because when Dream died, it seemed like no one in the crew cared enough to pay him their final respects...as if they didn't feel that Dream was an important part of their HERITAGE and they had a place there? instead too busy talking so much trash about Twist and yet totally ripping off his styles...I mean, the nerve...I started to feel as if the newer school was deprived of the meaning of AS in the first place...and that makes me angry...You think I wanted to back up a crew that didn't know how to pay proper respect to people? Why should I work that hard? That's also very disrespectful to Sundance considering he always tries to instill a reverence for influences...
I think Eskae forgets that if I hit up AS, I am showing support for him...After a long while of being out there, earning my street smarts, I had to go and support someone like June, too...? Please,yeah, I'm going to call some people out...June didn't come correct to me,called me up and treated me like a customer, like I don't have to deal with having to say we come from the same crew? In New York, I was feeling embarassed because this other guy is holding my reputation in his credentials... And who's house did he stay at when he was first checking out New York?
I mean, that's a shame...I'm going to tell you this, any kind of bs that goes on between the guys that are on the crew, that all leads back to me and I am somehow partly responsible because it would be on me if I hit them up...Is AS really going to deprive me and devoted others out of OUR right to heritage?
I guess what bothers me is that AS has no idea that by being so inconsiderate, they really gave me a lot of mental stress and a few of the members perpetuated the image of me as the mental patient because they don't know me. I wasn't strong enough to handle the situation properly and it took me 5 years to get out of AS because no one took me seriously...Finally, after being out of AS for awhile, I am able to break it down...It is my duty to Fred to give him back some respect and I went to art school because I knew back in the day, I didn't agree with how Ezra dealt with things...and I was afraid for those poor street kids that get on AS who have to put up with homage to a gallery artist who depletes his own crew, doesn't give thought to what it takes to be a crew member...and the equality of the other members is lost...Now they all have the burden of hitting up a crew that eats its young...Why is that their problem? Because they don't know any better...And why is that? Because no one will admit that's the way things went down...
The thing with graff artists who go to the galleries, the pressure is to keep a foot in the street...A lot of people feel the desperate need to prove their street cred...And some people will glom on to people who have paid dues just to make their reputation seem more valid...Pretty soon, instead of coming correct, they learn to kiss ass, to feel they are better than someone who is just starting out, lose their values and also forget exactly what made the whole movement so special in the first place...That's a crime...Not in my name, I say, not in my name...
One more thing, I wanted to say publicly to Deluks that there are no words necessary...But I would like to clarify some stuff...You were always the one who exemplified crew to me...And even though there may have been weird embarassing, awkward social confused stuff going on, like that gaseous incident...Hey, I'm only human...I have always kept my respect for you because I could see you were still looking for the right direction and it led back to art...I was also confused trying to find home and that took me a long time...We didn't know how to deal with each other because I don't think we knew who we were anymore...Anyways, even if you don't want me to, I am still excited to see you reach your eventual potential and I appreciate the influence I had from you from that time period...
Later...This is a response to a supportive email from Rigel pleading with me to get over this grudge...Okay, Rigel...I'm done...I've said my peace...If people still have questions, then they can refer to the blog and see that I explained myself, and then can ask me further questions if they want to or put in input if they want to...
Do you know why I still have so many unresolved feelings? I mean, it might be hard for you to understand the battle I've had dealing with Eskae...When I see all these self-important "art stars" who get this instant fame, I am reminded of him because that is what he always wanted to be...and they exist partly because of him...Did you see the artists in the Run-Up? Every time I talked to him, he wasn't talking to me, he was talking at me, advertising to me, like I was an admission ticket to one of his shows...When I talk to Jeremy, he drops his name so much just because, as sweet as it is, he would like to see us mend our friendship. Jeremy went to high school with me...We have been best friends since we were fifteen...I hate that I have to walk around the eggshells that Eskae represents...
Rigel, you and I are cut from the same cloth, except for the not holding grudges part...We both run with a different crowd of people besides AS...And they are on another level...I never expect other people to have that much dedication, but in case they claim the community, they really better be a part of it by investigating it and positively contributing to keep it alive...
I was put in the embarrassing situation this summer by Jimmy. He came up to me at a wedding smiling ear-to-ear that he and I were finally on the same crew...I said what? and then I had to break it to him that I was not on AS...That wasn't his fault...It crushed him...So you really think that it's over for me? Fred told me that there's not a day that goes by that he doesn't think about me...
Let me ask you this...If everything that you know in the Bay Area is suddenly tainted by the mucking up of the purity of the culture, and that ruined your sense of home, when your memories are all wrapped up in a crew that took away your own identity in your own hometown, I think anyone would have a nervous breakdown...especially because people never took the time to step back and see what other writers see because that's not who they run with and they convinced everyone around that you were always going to be associated with the crew. I spent years up close in the beginnings of the crew...I went away and came back, and those were the things I saw...
I benefitted from my experience in New York and I was blessed to be embraced by the Old School...But you know, I felt the older dudes had more of a supportive community than in Cali...They all had years of experience that taught them wisdom, patience, something a lot of the East Bay lost trying to prove their kingdoms and instead of building castles, they were killing themselves...Yes, it's true that the graff world has a rare percentage of people that are lifers, survivors...and I have never held it against someone for not painting...It's because we ate our young and taught them to devastate the territory with their misdirected motives in the Bay Area, spreading in-fighting instead of bonding together...Yeah, real writers are always, ALWAYS watching and are sensitive to their environments...
So these guys you're talking to on AS, who don't know what I'm talking about, really have to travel and to meet a whole lot of people, I'm talking guys from Philly who are credited with starting the craze of graff in NYC in the first place to someone like Savager in the new school from Connecticut, who is sick as hell and the nicest guy you would ever want to meet...to bullshitters in the Old School who did nothing but stand back and take credit when they could without contributing anything, to the gallery artists, graff artists or not, to find out how to treat people, because maybe they'll gain an understanding that there's a responsibility to come correct...I'm supportive of Ewok and his campaign to sustain the culture within itself by shifting where we put our support...He, like me, is in a battle with the impurities...There's bigger fish to fry...I'm tired of the media depictions of what hiphop is and how materialistic, mysogenistic it is...Well, if we can take it back, then I'm taking back my history and my heritage in Oakland, too...It belongs to me...F*ck these people who would take that away from me and who think that this is not a battle worth fighting for...Maybe now some of these people will join the fight to take back the culture...First I had to take back my name...
Yes Rigel, we will create together...we will paint, brother...Thank you for your support...
wow snails. I have no idea of what I ever did to wrong you, or hurt your feelings. I am about promoting art, creativity and community, as I have always been. while, yes, I do try to make a living by doing my art, i do not think that that is a crime, and I do not use the name of AS to boost my "street cred" as you so claim. Graffito was a long time ago, and for most, it is just another book on the shelf. It does not purport to be the end all be all history of graffiti. It is a window in time. I am not bitter and never have been about my acceptance or non-acceptance in the "graffiti world". I create art, what other people make of it is up to them. I have never made my self out to be better than others, I am sorry if you ever perceived me as talking "at" you rather than talking to you- that is your perception, I always had the utmost respect for you and your ideas. I don't think I have bulldozed anyone in my path, and you were not the one to introduce me to sundance. I have mad respect for anyone who lives their life creatively, and uses their creativity to try and better the world. This is my purpose, to try and better the world with creativity and art, and maybe, hopefully, influence others to do the same. Wether it is on the streets, in a gallery, in a museum, or on the internet doesn't really matter. Don't know how I've "bombarded" you, since we haven't really talked much in over a decade, and I have pretty much just avoided you after you started talking a bunch of shit about me out of the blue when I hadn't seen you in years. Move on snails- I;ve got no beef with you, so squash it. Disneyland was fun, but really, move on- no use living in the past. I am not who I was 15 years ago- none of us are, it is called growth, we all go through it. So I will say it again Snails- peace to you and yours, I hope you continue to grow and develop your styles and ideas. I have no beef with you and wish you all the best.
take care
peace
Eskae
I never talk shit about people, Ezra...I only tell my truth...And you are so non-confrontational and avoidant because you don't want to admit that maybe someone doesn't have a pretty picture of your guru-like practices...Missed punch #1...
I knew you wouldn't come correct...
Your advertisement and art space bullsh*t is insulting...
Yes, I have changed, but the important thing is I haven't changed a bit, either, maybe become a bit fiercer...Maybe you should think about where you came from...
You may think nothing you do concerns me...You are so wrong...Missed Punch #2...
Uh yes, I bent Sundance's ear to let you on the crew...That's not the important issue, though...Missed Punch #3...
You think YOU can tell ME when I don't have a beef? Don't try to pass me off as someone who can be intimidated...You missed the whole point, but I guess that's just you, not willing to do anything but save your ass...
You don't think I tried to come correct to you when I had a grievance first...
SNAILS
so you come correct snails- what is your grievance? You have never come straight to me and told me what your problem is with me. Only posted on your blog, or talked about me behind my back. So lets have it, what is your beef? Name it.
Look Eskae, you were like a brother to me once, and yet you invaded my life like "Single White Female" in all the wrong ways...Your influence was not a positive one...Were you really thinking of a community or only yourself? That was my honest opinion...People are sheep, dude, if you treat them that way...
You know why I might've said something negative about you? It's because Sundance told me that you didn't know why I was angry at you and that you cried on his shoulder? But you never cared enough to come straight to me...Why do I have to hear the nice things you do from another person? To me, that was like trying to prove to him that you are a good person...Remember when I was in the hospital and I asked for Rigel on the telephone...What did you say to me? "Oh, you mean Jennell's friend? I may have said some paranoid things writers say when they think they're being surveilled, and I was trying to find my place in Oakland again and it was difficult plus my life was just miserable (I had to deal with the ravaging cannibals of Oakland "folks" when I got back who tried to juice me for everything and then when I had nothing left...), I deserved a little bit of compassion, but instead, you were like a class-A dick...and kicked me when I was down...so in private, you are not a nice person, but in public...how many times have I seen you in a really wasted stupor, too?...Was there a time that I could say anything to you? You didn't think I was trying hard to talk to you about it and then you just could've been talking to a brick wall...I also sent you a letter by email...and never got a reply...
It's just not constructive to make people into groupies...I'll say it this way, I don't like what you're teaching people because it affects me...That's my message to you, and if you didn't pick it up in what I wrote and can't recognize me, then I really don't know you...Give some respect back to people who deserve some, that was all I was trying to get across to you...
But it's bigger than that too...I'm saying, because yes, you do influence a lot of people...And that is a big responsibility...You have to get checked if you are making some mistakes...So, like it or not, I've got my opinions...You're not preparing people who make a difference, you're preparing people who are all on that me me me tip...So, it's awkward, and you probably can't stand that I'm calling you out, but be accepting of how another person besides you has an opinion...
Ok snails-
what EXACTLY are you talking about?
Lets get some specifics here- you state that I am "teaching" people "me me me"- please back this up with some FACTS and not just ACCUSATIONS. You say I kicked you when you were down. HOw so? I have no idea what you are talking about, me referring to rigel as "jennells friend"- I never said such a thing, and I never spoke with you on the telephone when you were in the hospital. I never received an e-mail from you either. And I never cried in Sundances shoulder because I heard you were mad at me. You seem to have an awful lot of things in your mind that you think I did that are completely false.
"Your advertisement and art space bullsh*t is insulting..."
what are you talking about?
Do something constructive with yourself mellissa, instead of all of this negative babbling on the internet. I am truly sorry if all you can see in my work is insulting bullshit. You obviously do not know me, or my work. You are clutching to a version of myself that was 15 years ago, that you have allowed to twist and turn over time. No one has even called me eskae in 10 years. I can assure you that I am not teaching the youth of today "me me me", as you so claim,no need to worry about that. I will continue to make my art, and share it with the world, hopefully I will be able to sustain myself from it and it will allow me to somehow better this world in some small way. I give thanks and praises every day to the people who have affected me in a positive way throughout my life. And to the negative people who have taught me valuable lessons along the way. Good luck Melissa, I hope that you find in life what you are looking for, and you are somehow able to make peace with all of this. I wish you all of the best, I promise I won't teach the children to be mindless sheep- I will instead try to inspire them with some sort of wonder that will make them want to discover the world themselves in their own way.
peace be with you
Ezra
Vroom! Vroom! Bulldozer...
You don't remember that conversation? Hmmm...Well, I DO!
How come this history of yours conveniently leaves out all the things that might make you look bad? You think I made that up? It's convenient that I was hospitalized, right? Would I do that just to make myself look like a crazy person? I mean, who would believe that? Everything I recall is just in my imagination...I was never so f*cked up that I could not remember what happened and what really didn't happen...Are you challenging my testimony? So you are this victim of slanderous commentary...How awful a person I must be?!
Hey, I've done terrible things to people once upon a time, but I own up to my mistakes, because they were made partly out of ignorance and also conditioning...I'm "man" enough...I've since forgiven myself. If that's the kind of education you want to teach, then I think, well to be honest, I'm in another school...
All I did was claim my memories of my history...I'm entitled to that...Are you going to deny me my own viewpoint? Is that how you teach?
Do you really think I would tell lies to Jeremy? Or Crayone? To make myself look better than you? Come back to earth dude, you're not worth my integrity...
Hey dude, wake up...
If you remember so well, then please do share Mellissa, as I have no idea what you are talking about.
I'm glad all these years we've known each other, you know how to spell my name...Way to accurately cite a reference...
You mean I need to say more after you blatantly tried to question my integrity?
I already said it, dude...How much more do I have to say?
If you do not recognize, then you better step off, because I am owed the respect to keep my heritage, history, and my name...and you've already proved who you really are...
Hey Mellissa
you have not been very clear about why you are angry with me. When I ask you you say I am questioning your integrity. You give me vague accusations about teaching kids selfish attitudes, advertising and "art space bullsh*t". Please, I would love to resolve this, I do not want you to feel negatively about me. I would like to understand why you do. The vague accustations which you provide do not help me o understand what EXACTLY your grievances with me are. When did you call me from the hospital? I do not recall this incident. Please be more specific.
I wasn't asking for you, I was asking for Crayone when you were living with him...Remember that? I needed to ask his opinion of Korean parentage? At the time, I was really confused about how I felt about my Mom...You don't think I know why I called?
I think i even said some spacey weird stuff like "Can you find Iz?"
Welcome to your reflection!
ok so you are mad at me because you called my house when you were in the hospital, asked more crayone, and according to you, I referred to him as "jennells friend". Is there more to it? I still don't get why you are mad it me?
this is ridiculous
really
i think I am going to start laughing
ridiculous
So yeah, and you question that Sundance told me that?
yo where da IZ at?
This is all on you, Sundance...If you support Eskae after you told me that, then everything we had together was a lie...You think I bluff? I cite Sundance...
told you what? that I cried on his shoulder because you were mad at me? yes I question that.
He's actually in Orlando trying to get some health back, actually...I don't speak to him, but someone told me that recently...
Thanks for asking...
And my name is Milissa Yoon, come correct...aka Snails, YNN, Ex-AS...
Now, I ask the question to those members of AS that are willing to stand up for Ezra Li Eismont, are you willing to keep on giving props to someone who's just shown his true colors?...When he accused me of lying, and then realized he couldn't back up his refutation, then he started to trivialize my whole argument with him in the first place, couldn't focus on the real issues? Why won't he let me have my own heritage? What's wrong with that? Is he a positive influence for me? Why do I have to put up with that attitude? Isn't that cannibalistic...?
Hey Eskae, I went to school and learned how to cite sources...NicOne is a great teacher...
Milissa,
once again- PLEASE tell me specifically, as you still have avoided this issue- EXACTLY what it was that I did that upset you so. Everytime I ask you, you seem toskirt around the issue. Lay it out on the table. I am not trying to trivialize your history, I am trying to figure out why you are mad at me.
I TOLD YOU TO STEP OFF IF YOU CAN'T GIVE ME THE RESPECT TO DEFEND MY HISTORY!
Do I have to have more reason, fool? I don't have to tell you that, but that's the good fight to me...That's what makes it worth it...My f*cking honor...Do you want to challenge that?
Maybe that's what's wrong with you...You lost sight of everything that was so important about what we shared together...A sense of brotherhood and also trust. You can't even handle coming clean with it because maybe you've always had ulterior motives...
I think you should rethink your real reasons for not even remembering what it felt like to have a soul...
You can sit there and act all obtuse, playing the victim because the "crazy slanderous mental patient" is telling her story, and it turns out that the truth to her going to the hospital maybe had to do with a bunch of people who smiled in her face and then took turns cannibalizing her...
Oh Ezra, what an injustice it is...
Poor you, never thinking of your place in the crew...You weren't the only one in the crew, dude...Have some f*cking consideration for the people you represented...I don't have your back anymore...Why should I when I get treated the way you treat me?
Ask me again fool, ask me again...
"Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, well...
SHAME ON YOU!"
allright Milissa
I will question you no more.
you have every right to your history. I am in no way trying to steal your history from you. Let it be known that in this long series of posts, you never answered my question, about what it was specifically that I did to you to earn your ire. I am still interested in understanding where you are coming from, and trying to settle this. Milissa, you have my apologies if you feel as if I have ever wronged you- it was never my intention. I am not attacking you. I am not attacking your honor. I am attempting to create a peace bridge here, and to understand why you are so angry. Peace be with you.
Ezra
By the way, who did you represent for? You and yours?
That is the most underhanded apology...You can't even admit that you are lacking in character...
Juvenile delinquents all grow up, dude...but some of us learned to "use the force"...
Deal with it...I can't do anything more...I guess you don't recognize me, because you don't even know me...
All Souls
Ass Suckers...
Milissa
you are certainly entitled to your opinion. No one is trying to take that away from you. You talk about respect. Yet in this whole conversation, you have never once given me the respect of a brother or friend, by letting me know what it is that you find so objectionable about my behaviour. I have asked many times, and you have not answered. I am compelled then to believe that in fact- you have no facts, no solid gripes with me as a person. You have constructed some vague ideas of how I teach selfishness to the kids of today. Back up you statements, cite your sources. Please.
hate and fear belong to the dark side. If you are "going to use the force" then I suggest you re-evaluate your intentions. Spreading hate will only bring more hate into your life. How about love and understanding?
Exactly, hater...
who's hating here? Not me Milissa.
What are you afraid Ezra, that someone who sees you for who really are might damage your reputation...Dude you did that to yourself...
Milissa, it is quite obvious that you do not see me for who I really am. You have no idea who I am. You are referencing someone who you think I am, someone you dealt with a decade ago. And you STILL WON'T ANSWER MY QUESTION AS TO WHAT I DID TO YOU TO MAKE YOU HATE ME SO. I have tried and tried to get a straight answer from you. I have repeated my question over and over again. You come back with answers like if you don;t know then I won't tell you. What is this, high school? Explain yourself. What did I ever do to you Milissa? What did I ever do to you?
You're not worth my time to hate you, dude, I'm thinking of the others on the crew...Maybe you should spend some time thinking about the people you have spent so much time "teaching" and think about what they learn from you in your example, and think about it, you're the one who took it to this level...
Milissa
this argument is not worth my time either. And I still have no idea why you hate me so- as you continue to avoid actually talking about what it was that I did that upset you so. (If there ever was in fact, something that I did, or as it seems, it is just some perceived notion by yourself as to my character) I wish you all the best in your journey through life. Let it be known here and now that I have never in my life harbored bad feelings towards you Melissa. I am not against you, I am not trying to take away your history. I send you love. I was with you when we met KRS one. Remember that? He said change your life, focus on the positive. I try and do that- focus on the positive. I try and be an instrument for positive growth and change in the world. I do not teach selfishness and hatred, for these are things that I am trying to overcome. I have no room for hatred in my life. This is why I am attempting to reach out to you,and understand your disagreement with me. I know that you have the power to influence the world in a positive way Milissa. I hope that you are able to manifest that.
Good luck girl.
May the force be with you.
your friend
Ezra
No, the argument is a valid one...Do not discount it...
Your discourse, however, is a bunch of fluff...
I'm saying is if you're going to preach it, practice it...so come correct...
You can pretend that I trivialize things, but all I was demanding was my right to history and a sense of honor and that is not to be taken lightly...
So, if you really don't take anything but one thing seriously...Don't mess with my family...Because that is some "unforgivable sh*t"...
I'd just like to say one thing...A thank you to Ink76...DAA forever...
And you're right about high school, Ezra...those are my students...
PS I don't know how KRS one would feel about you using his name in this argument...
You have just been schooled in CULTS 101...
I love you Dream...RIP...
This confession is for my peoples...
"Only God Can Judge Me" and some paint stains on someone's shoes...thank you...
Once upon a time, I did a lot of damage to a lot of good people just because I did not know any better. I never meant to hurt anyone maliciously, but I was a thief...I was a juvenile delinquent and I did a lot of things that I regret. I really did believe I was a bad person and I thought I had to act that way...
I once worked at a pet hospital and a lot of the doctors were condescending but the nicest person in the world was Carolynn Harvey. I've never forgiven myself for stealing from her. Well, I was fired. I also stole a pack of cigarettes at Safeway and some other stuff along the way...I do regret any pain I've inflicted on any innocent people along the way...
I faltered until I was able to make a promise to myself that I could be a good person because I gave back justice to a woman who was destroyed by a serial rapist and that was a good thing if that was the only good thing I ever did in my life...
Anyways, graff gave me a sense of honor. I was able to have some confidence in myself and try to forgive myself for my sins...That's where I got my love...I am my harshest critic though...
And Sundance, don't forget I was there...standing next to me everywhere until I couldn't even be nice to anyone anymore and then you could use that against me and let everyone walk all over me? Because why, if I left the crew, who could you use and claim props from and give them to everyone else because the people who didn't paint just so they could feel like an equal in a CULT? YOU STOLE SO MUCH OF MY LIFE, my only friend in the crew,and why, 'cuz maybe you were always a jealous toy...F*CK YOU!
This is the best medicine for me...
Am I "taking my meds now"...?
You better run and hide if you ever see me in my Oakland...
And Eskae, don't you think I noticed that you were trying to steal all my friendships just so you could spy on me and pretend like you weren't a toy?
And Crayone, you weren't even in the crew back in the day...
And Share, who's a pawn? I think I took Jamaica Plain...
Emuse, I'm calling you out for talking shit about Twist...
Crayone, it was so underhanded to ask Clue to be your friend on MySpace and not me when I started this whole beef?...Why is that? So we could paint together? Ha! Is that because I'm not a "man"...?
I can't tell you how good it feels to be on a real crew!
And Share, all I saw was a wak ass sticker...My stickers were sick back in the day...
Viva la Elocution!
And Andy, why did you hook me up with Jennell, AKA "Rape", "Manifest"...?
And then you came over when you got to NYC and wanted to borrow $700?
And then never tried to talk to me again...But hung out with people like Bilen who took advantage of me? Did you teach her that?
Eskae, did you introduce me to Brandon who in turn introduced me to Shirley AKA Valentine? What, so she could juice me? and then tell Lia so she could report to you?
Eskae, did you invite Phil Frost to my house so he could ignore me and then act like I was so unimportant and then leave me a painting that was so insulting? Remember that painting? The one with the gotcha sign and the world in the other?
And Ezra, how would TC5 feel about you claiming them? I wonder what Juice and Totem would feel about that...
The divorce is finalized...
Fred (Sundance) is having an awful time right now...He's going through some major stuff...He broke up with his boyfriend of over 13 years due to the fact that he wasn't himself anymore because he was so stressed out by his silkscreening business which he finally closed a couple of months ago after trying so hard, SO HARD and his business partner left him high and dry with all the responsibility too... (I personally feel as an outside observer that Marco, his ex, was constantly trying to change him from the first few years of their relationship and made public too much of their personal life by being gossipy and so I've stayed away from Marco for a long while because I could not stand seeing the way Fred stayed so silent in his presence nodding to whatever he said and then was condescended to when it came to subject of graff because graff was so juvenile to Marco, the fine artist)...Whatever could go wrong has gone wrong with him...He's living again with his Mom who is a substance abuser and he's morbidly depressed. He finally understands what I was going through when his crew AS took turns using me when I first had arrived from living in New York and then how they turned their backs on me when I had absolutely nothing left and then used my depression against me and talked all kinds of sh*t about me behind my back, Fred has learned this lesson the hard way now realizing these are all "Frienemies" too...I've forgiven him for leaving me with people who had alterior motives and convincing them and me that we were family because he's not like that...He truly is still a friend, still like my family. I was angry with him for a long time because he could not see how putting all those people on the crew that are now turning their backs on him after he always gave so much to them had affected me. I hated all those fools...But I cannot turn my back on him now...Like it or not, I will still always care about him, I guess...Because I guess deep down, a cheerful exuberant Fred is still in there somewhere and I know that. And I know it is just because of all his relationships...
Ah, life...
So far, Crayone has proven to me that he is not my friend too...He thought he could step in to trivialize my argument with Eskae...I only brought love to him and all he did was take the "men's" side...I'm disappointed in these "men"...MAN UP, Ass Suckers...
Andy AKA Start...Thanks for forwarding this blog to Bilen and not even saying anything to me...At least she had the balls to come at me one on one even though she was under the misdirected guise that you and I or she and I were "friends"...
Update: Fred and Toph and I are good again. It is uncomfortable with the ones it has always been uncomfortable with...Crayone was unnaturally cool with me the last time I saw him, however and I went up to him and apologized for being so harsh with him, the only reason being is that I felt he was not malicious in his wants for me and people to "bury the hatchet." His only problem is that he wants everyone to like him. Whatever. Anyways, I wanted to take back my apologies when he f*cking said to me that it was cool, he understood about the "chemicals" (meaning my brain chemistry being instable)and I had to stop him and say "what the f*ck?!" Oh no, I was justified in my upset nature in peoples' behaviors towards me, so he had to step off with that sh*t...He wants me to feel bad for him saying it's a club of men? Who the hell is he? He's another one of those ass-kissers...he may be talented and a living legend but he's not someone who knows me either...I wish him the best with his firefighting career but watch yo'self...
Updated Update: Sundance sent me this joke: FW: Skinny white guy...A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE Black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him Looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles. Turner Brown." The iittle guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" in a weak voice the little guy says "What EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...? I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus...I thought you said, "Turn around!!!" What the f*ck is this?!...FUCK AS! F*ck you Sundance! That joke was not funny...Two-face...
Text added 1/1/11...So the situation is this way...Lots of personal strife and no real sign of support from any of my old "friends"...except for people unaffiliated with this core group of people for the most part...Fred doesn't know how to be my friend, so he and Ray played Facebook games with me for awhile and then when I lost my patience with Fred and blew up at him again, they both took themselves off my friend list...Social networking sites bs is now an unwanted complication/afterthought in relationships too...Ray tried to offer me and Phresh walls before and then took offense when i went off on Sundance. That was the truth. I had been upset and he came over in what I thought was basically battle mode, blackbook battle mode, complete with bboy video playing in the background...made me wonder if he was really my friend because instead of being my friend, he sat there on the phone namedropping and talking and talking to someone else of some kind of hiphop importance and I became so tired 'cuz an hour had passed then...Then he sent me that joke...
I'm sure this whole AS feud is fodder for many conversations in which my presence is absent and therefore I must defend myself and my actions through this thread now. Ader had not called me to check in on me the whole time I had begun my homeless circumstance after his half-assed "help" with my move when he came and got some of my stuff but rushed me so much, I think because he was a little intimidated by Tshirt, that I had to leave a lot of it there...It's a bit weird too because my ex, my first serious boyfriend is back in town, and he's likable, and we all go way back but since we broke up so long ago, we try not go to the same functions but still do have a lot of the same older associations. Anyways, I know he and Ader have been kicking it...Ader just dumped me when I was bad off...typical...
This stuff is exactly what I'm talking about...Nothing is because people genuinely care about me as their friend...It is only because they think they should do enough to be considered trying to be a good person, but like I said...they do not genuinely care anything about me as to see things through while helping me out...If so, then maybe Sundance would've taken the time to talk to me that day...but he was too busy stroking his ego, thinking the grass is greener or something, to ease the pain of wanting to achieve credit for the innovator in lettering role that he feels he deserve...or maybe Joe would've put in more of an effort to help me get more of my stuff because he would've realized the dire desperation of the whole tshirt debaucle...Thanks a lot guys for proving my point about the AS crew...
Phresh gets a shoutout, though, for always vibing with me in the right ways, like a true crew brother...And Toph...poor Toph...I give him much love for continuing to put me onto his sh*t through a different avenue even if it is not AS (because I think he understands how I feel and hasn't voiced it to me). The truth is the thing that held most of us together back in the day was the ability to have a good time, the ability, when things were not so serious, to have fun...we turned many parties out...Fred, Ezra, Joe, Scobey, even Nate...Andy, Jed...we all could be goofy around one another...and I'll share that with you...That's the key...the one that's kept me and Trav still tight even at my craziest...and what's made me stay down with YNN and Ink76...It's a sense of humor that we still pass around and share and continue to bond over...The years haven't made things very humorous with AS...Instead, I feel embattled, not comfortable enough to make jokes with them now, maybe wisecracks at them at this point, I find myself fake in order to protect myself, unsure of who these people are anymore and if maybe it is time to just cut people off, even Ader and Sundance...I guess I had given them some choice in changing the situation, but alas...
At Toph's bday this year at Gestalt in SF, Sundance and Ader both came up to me right away...Fred says, "I had a vision of you before you came up..." I introduced them both to Bobby. They both looked at him incredulously like he was "Snuffleupagus" or something...Then, instead of actually finding out how I was or how my journey has been, in that same party acquaintance-type treatment, where you, out of forced politeness, vaguely say you should do things...it was false, in other words...How am I supposed to think anything is funny with these kinds of "friendships?"
one more thing about that night at Gestalt...I think Ader and Sundance think it's funny now to put all these people on the crew like "Spie" for instance, and to say things like that in front of me so I'm forced to feel like I'm eavesdropping on their popularity as a crew...Thanks guys for being true friends to me...
One last thing I wanted to get off my chest...I know, I know...I was the one who always knew how to be friends with people...and when I left for NYC back then in '94...a lot of people forgot how to be friends with one other...
and then sure, I'm supposed to feel like I'm the crazy one...okay...right...
For that last post, all I have to say is, "F*ck you into the new year" all of you for making me feel this way...
I throw down my effort now...Maybe it is "Sayonara bitches..." as Dave Chappelle would say it...
I hsd to come up with a good strategy for my giving people the benefit of the doubt nature...must be because I learned to hold grudges...and because of my East Coast education...now it is that I give you one and call you on your shit...the second time I call it, I tell you, but warn you next time I'm cutting you off from letting you know what's up...you should know by then...
you guys may have gotten used to mistreating each other/taking one another for granted and because of the close proximity and the overlapping associations, all these so-called "folks" all around this small place...you have had to adopt some form of convenient amnesia with each other each time, even though every time is then a violation the more it stays an elephant in the room and the years go by...and funnily, you don't even notice anymore 'cuz you're jaded and you lost feeling a long time ago 'cuz you had to go numb...
Fred, you don't think that what you taught me i ate up and devoured and it IS appreciated? You don't think I give you props for being one of the sickest handstylists in this territory? Look, for me, you will forever be the one who took me under his wing and taught me about respect, honor, humor, and most importantly history..but now it is that day when I already have journeyed away and have learned my own truths for myself because the one thing I have learned late in life is that a person's history is subjective...
And Joe, don't break your arm patting yourself on the back with what a great friend you are to me too...You don't do nothin' for nobody unless it means you get credit for it, and please dude...you've known me since we were both 17...how many rides? can you even count? and you're so damned stingy. But you want me to remember the couple of times I asked for a couple of favors and give you gas money and buy you food too to make it worth your while? I met a man who had in all his world's possessions apparently, a shopping cart of junk and he had been the one to offer me a Hostess cupcake package and a Tropical Fantasy soda when this man had literally nothing...In the middle of Union Square Park, the rest of the world moving, but finally someone standing still...
So now both of you know what I feel about Oakland more than anybody else except for Germ and Scobey...and maybe Krash...definitely Phresh too...but my Mom threw me out of my childhood neighborhood at 37...How would that make you feel? And Dream is dead and I still hurt...Scobey knows why I got so close to the street...some of you don't realize...I made that silent vow to myself after Oakland's streets came into my apartment that night...Joe, you do remember this...I am never one to let things go anymore and in my own way, I have made it safe for myself in the street...because somehow, that is truly home...I say it again, "The world IZ a ghetto..."
And do not forget that I know you are both gossip hounds...??! I'm just warning you now that my life is not fodder for entertainment to poke jest at so as to feel better about your own existences...I just feel so unsafe because you guys are just not security material...maybe talent, good entourage...not security for me...
So now, if any of you AS fools has anything to say to me, or questions how I and not you could be on YNN (I'll even give up my name to you), if that is what this is about really, and want to say something about it to me, then please go ahead...See, this is how I feel. I'm happy with my crew. And I think they're happy with me too. And phew I know how Stem is intimidating...but I give him the security of my life and I'm not sorry about that. And so i HAVE turned into a monster because I have to destroy other monsters. I would not ever be envious, so I am giving you a forum...And then again, if you do not come with friendly intentions, then why are you in my hood?
One note to Damo AKA Devin: Dude why'd you call me from a blocked number to question me about my relationships...I'm questioning whether that was out of real concern or just for your entertainment...
Oh yeah, forgot to mention Joe, that that homeless man with the shopping cart that had given me such a gift...He was what made me quit my fancy corporate job at Rockwellgroup...He was what happened to me...I came to grips with the cold ruthlessness of the sharktank, that nobody in that place would share their last food/drink with me in that place...And so I had come home to hell because I thought surely my friends would not be sharks to me, but they have been worse...because they did acted totally selfishly with smiles on their faces...
So remember Joe, that whole time that you were focused on seeing my portfolio and that's all you could think about when I first came back from NYC right before Dream died...You came over with Scobey and didn't even bother to ask me how I was or anything, just demanded the portfolio...You saw my portfolio...and maybe you don't know everything, but you should understand now my dismay at your reaction to me after my reason for quitting rockwellgroup in the first place...
So you finally know that I have revealed what I had been up against...and what I have had to fight in what you have been teaching people by your examples? Okay, so last but not least, Ezra...I open the invitation for TC5 to try to take my name too...Because you guys are so good at getting together in "boys clubs" and talking shit like fishwives...I know you'll tell him I said that and he should let his crew know...
Time for my comments about Billy Jam...Supposed legendary dj of bay area "hiphop" and what did he do to me? He got interested in me because he found out that I had recently been arrested for graff when we first met through Germ...And then he put me on the radio...All he did was focus on the arrest and talk about that...It was really awful...and then a week later he met Lady Pink and the photographers of 'Burning New York' and never tried to be nice to me again...And what is he now to me? an opportunist fake person seduced by those oh so "famous" people who are not my peers...definitely he is talent, for sure...no security at all...can't be trusted...
Crayone TWS/AS...wants everyone to like him, has to know everyone...thinks he knows my dad, gets him confused with a local guy named Ink, kept trying to tell me he knew him and brought up his conversations with him, I don't think he really knows Ink76 BAD DAA though even though now he claims to be Zulu Nation...Can't be that without knowing who the real Ink is...then he showed me a YNN piece one day that was done by someone I wasn't familiar with, and he so expected me to be impressed that he was gracious enough to let him paint next to him, as if thinking maybe I wasn't really YNN if I didn't know who the other guy was...hmmmm...
Hey Garron, are you in it too? That was nice of you to buy a soda for me, but I've been messed up by so many of these people...you've got this look in your eyes like you're needing some help with soul...Trying to help you out, but stay away from the self-destruction...
LESSON #1 HOME is precious...
Wherever you are is home if you are respectful of your surroundings, but sometimes the best friends you will ever have aren't the nice ones...Are you kidding?! Can't trust anyone just 'cuz they smile at you...
You have to know my security/best friends/family are the ones that when I got mad at people, I could close my eyes and the defenses (bits of advice) that I gained from them in my hours of need, well that was all I saw...And you never turn your back on that...What these guys taught me are some methods and techniques, anything "soulful"...I'd like to see that...
And these ruthless "women/females" who want to get at me by taking Bobby, go ahead and take him. I would give him to you if you thought you could take him. He wouldn't be worth it to me after that anyway.
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